Many divorces erupt into major battles over where the children will live and the amount of time to be spent with each parent. Yet, some parents choose not to be involved with their children. How do you help the children through this situation?
You may know the reason that your ex does not want to see the kids. Maybe they have a new significant other that does not want to deal with children. Or, they may have personal issues such as substance abuse or mental illness where they do not have the emotional strength to parent. Whatever the cause, it is best for you to tell your kids that the other parent cannot handle taking care of anyone but themselves right now. Older teens may be ready to hear the truth, but younger kids won’t be able to cope with such information.
Kids will often blame themselves for the absence of the other parent. Worse, they may blame you for making the other parent leave. You will need to reassure your kids that they are not to blame, and that the other parent made the choice to leave the family.
Talk with your kids about the other parent if your kids initiate conversations. Do not act like the other parent does not exist. Kids will grieve the absence of the parent as they go through different developmental stages and need to talk about their feelings. Refrain from speaking badly about their parent. This can be damaging to your children’s self-esteem, and you never know when the parent will pop back into their lives and want to establish a relationship.
Let your kids know that when they reach adulthood, they can choose to reach out to the other parent if they never see him or her. You may feel upset that they want contact with the other parent when you have the sole burden of raising them, but biological ties are very strong. Kids have a need to know the truth, even if it is painful.
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